I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
