ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
