i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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