i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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