I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
