also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So apparently I’m into choking now
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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