Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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