hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize