There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
