So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
