Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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