it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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