I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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