This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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