my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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