So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
