i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
