I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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