when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
