i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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