i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize