Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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