I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
