and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
