non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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