Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
