It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
