I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
