When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
