____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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