then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
