I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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