Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
40s are totally the cure
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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