just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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