im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
