just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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