It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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