Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
