My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
