My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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