I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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