Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
