Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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