It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
