Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
