sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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