Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
