Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
