there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
