Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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