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Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize