No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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