I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
