I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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