If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
