I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
