Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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