Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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