my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
two words: eviction party
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
