dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
